Challenging times

I got my first taste yesterday of what its like to have to choose between work and family. Yesterday morning Kayler was not her normal self. She woke up after sleeping through the night with a totally dry diaper. I wasn't too concerned til I talked to Justin about the previous evening. She had only one wet diaper in the evening while I was at work. She had also been especially clingy and more fussy than normal. All of this concerned me and after talking to a couple of trusted friends and the nurse at the doctors office I decided to stay home from work and take her to the doctor. To make a long story a little shorter we saw the oncall doctor and Kayler is fine. No real explanation for what happened but she doesn't seem to be dehydrated or have any other symptoms. Today she is back to her normal self so I am very thankful for that. 

I am really struggling with my attitude towards work. I don't really want to be there and I'm having a hard time adjusting back to the stress level and new computer program. I'm not really bothered by leaving Kayler b/c she's with Grandma or Daddy but I feel like in my heart my place is to be home with her. Yesterday my frustration increased when I called into work and got the usual grumblings. I just don't care to put up with people's crap and I have much more important things in my life. Another frustration is that at work I have no convienent place to pump. I have to go three floors up and to a different wing of the hospital. Its so hard to get away with all my nursing duties and responsibilities. Gurrrrrrrr!

Of course another area of stress and challenge is financially. I'm part time now and that greatly increased what we pay for insurance along with decreasing my paycheck. The economy is hurting us a little but not too bad. We're just trying to be really smart with our spending and I'm always looking for ways to save or spend less. At times I am struggling with regret over buying our commercial building. If we hadn't done that we would have a substantial nest egg and virtually no debt. On the flip side we wouldn't have that source of income. Hopefully it will turn out to be a wise decision in the end. 

Kayler is the light of our lives, of course. She is growing and changing so much. Yesterday she weighed 13lbs 8oz which means she's almost doubled her weight since she was born. She's very interactive now "talking" and cooing and learning to scoot herself around a little. She rolled over once from her stomach to her back and is working on going from her back to her stomach. She must have some teeth coming in b/c she's started drooling and wanting to chew on things. She's so cute and fun. Thankfully she slept much better last night. Hopefully we got her over little rebellion of wanting to stay up til 11pm. 

We will be dedicating Kayler to the Lord in church on Sunday. I'm looking forward to that but am a little nervous about how she's going to do during the service b/c its right in the middle of her morning nap time. I pray for her everyday and am so thankful for the blessing she is in our lives. I am excited about her future school years. We recently received a brochure from Polk County Christian school and we found that its much more affordable than we thought. Hopefully sending her to school there will give her a good Christian education. We'll see what God has in store for our little angel.

Back to work

Well tomorrow is the day I've been dreading for the last three months, I go back to work. I am trying to focus on the positive things...my family will have great insurance, we will have money to live comfortably, I only have to work three days a week, we don't have to pay for childcare. I keep telling myself all these things but in all honesty all I want to do is stay home with Kayler. It is surprising to me how much I truly long to be at home. 

Over the past 12 weeks I have enjoyed not only being a mommy but also being a wife. I am actually getting satisfaction out of doing household things like laundry and cleaning and cooking. I love being able to spend my time how I want with my family and friends. 

I am not looking forward to the stress of my job. I am also worried about how I'm going to be able to keep up breast feeding and pumping. My job is not easy, it is intense and stressful but I enjoy it and I've worked very hard to get here. I am just going to have to focus on one thing at a time and know that that's really all I can do. 

I ask for your prayers as I adjust to a new schedule and routine. 

2008; what a year!

Our first Christmas with Kayler was wonderful. We had a nice quiet Christmas morning just the three of us enjoying our family and opening gifts. My dad spent some time with us Christmas day. It was good to see him and I'm glad he got to spend some time with Kayler. 

It was a little weird though when he brought gifts over b/c he kept mentioning Faye which made me nauseated. Their relationship is, well I don't know what it is, I just know I want nothing to do with her. Suddenly she's showing interest in my daughter and I don't want one bit of it. This is something that I'm really struggling with. I want to see my dad happy. I would love for him to be with someone who could be a part of my family but Faye made it clear a long time ago that she wanted nothing to do with me. I'm not sure where this is all going. 

Our house has been very busy, loud and fun the last week and a half. Justin's brother Clint his wife Joy and their two kids stayed with us while they were home for the holidays. We had a good time with them and it was fun to see Aidan and Lily with Kayler. They left yesterday morning and now my house seems so empty. We enjoyed having them and look forward to their next time home. 

Justin is busy with the septic business. He is also trying to finish out the last little bit in our large one bedroom loft. We have someone wanting to move in this weekend so its crunch time. The studio has been a little slow, like everything else, with the economy the way it is. This is our slow time of year anyway so we are anxiously waiting for the spring to get here. 

I go back to work one week from today. I am mostly not looking forward to it. I'm not worried about leaving Kayler. She'll be in good hands with her daddy or grandma. I have truly enjoyed being home with her. I get a lot of satisfaction by being a mom and wife. I'm still working on ideas of how we could manage if I quit my job to stay home. If it weren't for the benefits I think we could do it but we have to have health ins so right now I guess its not an option. If only I could find a work from home job that came with benefits. 

We'll see where the Lord takes us in 2009. Last year sure was a ride!